i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
