I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
