He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
