Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
