Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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