Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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