You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
