did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
We're too hungover to prance.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
