I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
