my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
