My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I checked into jail on foursquare
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
