How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
