gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
