Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
