I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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