He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
