Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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