She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
