that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I CAN MOONWALK!
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
