I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
