I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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