I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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