the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
