the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
