I'm laying in your front yard are you home
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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