He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
did you just send me my own nude
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
