I think I died a long time ago.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I want to fling myself into the sun
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
