I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
