Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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