When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
