A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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