Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
