he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Girls should come with a carfax report
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
