But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
