wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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