I could make wine with my vomit
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
