Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
she peed on how many people?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
