I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize