I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
