so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize