well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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