dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
