he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
