My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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