i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
