well most of my day revolves around power hour
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
