I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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