Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
