I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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