Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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