I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
