Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
