Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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