Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
