I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Randomize
